Posted: 10 October 2006 at 9:34am | IP Logged

I do apologise for some of these, I take no credit as they were sent to me!

Met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange
a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're
closest".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a
fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He
said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran,
even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I
said, "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want
your type in here".

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
start anything".

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint
please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the
bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess
nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
Spain,they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished
she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,"But they are twins.
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press
the hash key..."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The
shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in..

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor,
doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've
cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft,
it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat
it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. He topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says
"I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at
him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's
cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a
lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left
a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was
nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the night.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam..."

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was
artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
"Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

Posted: 10 October 2006 at 1:19pm | IP Logged

A case of never mind the quality feel the width, Noel.

The HSE are bringing out a new booklet on thje lethal efffects of carbon monoxide poisoning on garage mechanics......if you do it right.

Why did Richard the Lionheart spend most of his reign outside of England?         He was trying to sue Dr. Christian Barnard.

Posted: 16 October 2006 at 4:00pm | IP Logged

Murphy's lesser known laws

Light travels faster than sound.  This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule:  Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight:  A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.  A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Posted: 23 November 2006 at 10:08am | IP Logged

Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend. "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks:

"Tonto, you dumb ass, someone has stolen our tent."

Posted: 23 November 2006 at 10:10am | IP Logged

"Wow! That's great! I'm so happy!! "Should I pack for the ocean, a safari, or for the mountains?, asks the wife

"I don't care", he says, "Just get out."

Posted: 24 November 2006 at 10:44am | IP Logged

This is a message for Kevin, as we have the internet on board this space ship, my new alien friends have asked me to give you this message.

You were rejected!