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mike_1stgear
Friend of ATF
Joined: 19 October 2004
Location: United Kingdom
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 554
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| Posted: 30 November 2006 at 9:03am | IP Logged
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A visitor to a mental institution asked the director how he ascertained
which patients should be released and which detained.
The director informed him, "We fill up a bath, then offer the patient a
teaspoon, teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub"
"Oh, I see", said the visitor, "so a normal person would obviously choose
the bucket because it's biggest".
"No", replied the director, "A normal person would pull the plug
out.
Would you prefer a bed by the window?" |
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davef2
Newbie
Joined: 29 March 2006
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 11
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| Posted: 13 December 2006 at 8:27pm | IP Logged
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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness
and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it;
it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is inAmerica, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all
left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all
drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way:
he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and
he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me..."
"...I've quit drinking!"
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mike_1stgear
Friend of ATF
Joined: 19 October 2004
Location: United Kingdom
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 554
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| Posted: 14 December 2006 at 3:40pm | IP Logged
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CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED
* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna
Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the
froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
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Noel
Friend of ATF
Joined: 13 January 2005
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 586
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| Posted: 14 December 2006 at 4:04pm | IP Logged
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Nice one my pushbike friend.  Which is you though? 
As one who is an obvious target for carol jokes, I did think they are quite good.
What about the misheard carols? e.g.
Christian's awake, his suit is all forlorn!
Brightest pass tests!
We free tins of oil based tar!
As with Gladis, men grow bald!
At a music practice on Monday I was asked why the Sussex Carol is so short, my reply was "It is only a small county!" 
__________________
http://www.myspace.com/noelstuff
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rapid thomas
Groupie
Joined: 08 April 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 59
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| Posted: 18 December 2006 at 12:20am | IP Logged
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A very good friend of mine is leader of a pre-school in my village. She
askes her children what part they'd like to play in the school nativity and
gets all the usual suspects quite quickly amidst the "can I be the baby"
questions. However, it takes some creative writing to assimilate
everyone's desires; finding a speaking part for a little girl determined to
play "Mary's big sister" was a particular trial this year; finding a costume
for the person who wanted to be a zebra was much easier.
Shepherds were thin on the ground; in fact there were no takers at all.
Luckily, a little boy joined the school midway through rehearsals and he
was asked whether he'd like to play the shepherd. A shy nod confirmed
his decision.
The show was on Wednesday of this past week. On Tuesday, the pre-
school leader and I were in the pub and were talking with the mother of
this little boy. "I've finally finished Simon's costume" she said "Tomorrow
sounds as though it will be really different." "What?" said the teacher, "the
fact there'll only be one shepherd ?" The mother went pale. "Shepherd?
Simon came home and told me he'd be a leopard."
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mike_1stgear
Friend of ATF
Joined: 19 October 2004
Location: United Kingdom
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 554
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| Posted: 18 December 2006 at 9:48am | IP Logged
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A muscular young man at a construction site was bragging one day, that he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength.
He made a special case of making fun of Fred, one of the older men in the crew.
After about several minutes of this, Fred had enough.
"Why
don't you put your money where your mouth is?" Fred said. "I'll bet a
week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that
supply shack, and that you won't be able to wheel it back."
"You're on, old man," the young boaster replies. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got old timer."
Fred reaches out, and grabs the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nods to the young man
and says, "All right. Get in."
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mike_1stgear
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Joined: 19 October 2004
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 554
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| Posted: 18 December 2006 at 9:51am | IP Logged
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Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage.
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
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mike_1stgear
Friend of ATF
Joined: 19 October 2004
Location: United Kingdom
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 554
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| Posted: 18 December 2006 at 9:52am | IP Logged
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What do you call a Boomerang that doesn't work?
A Stick. 
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Noel
Friend of ATF
Joined: 13 January 2005
Location: United Kingdom
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 586
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| Posted: 18 December 2006 at 2:59pm | IP Logged
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I see the pushbike kid has opened his crackers early this year!
OK Mike, you beat me to it!! 
__________________
http://www.myspace.com/noelstuff
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Timestar
Mega Friend
Joined: 14 July 2004
Location: United Kingdom
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 820
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| Posted: 23 March 2007 at 2:24pm | IP Logged
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2 monkeys sitting in a bath
1 says "OH OH AH AH AH AH"
The other one says if its to hot put some cold in
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After The Fire Forums : Chat
Topic: Joke time (again)
