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kevin
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Joined: 06 July 2004
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 309

Posted: 23 March 2007 at 3:40pm \| IP Logged

Patrick and Mick are on a safari holiday, as they are making their way through the jungle early one morning they come across a man with his head sticking out the mouth of a crocodile.

Mick turns to Patrick and says look at that poser in the La Coste sleeping bag.

__________________
The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life, and he who wins souls is wise.
Proverbs 11:30

mike_1stgear
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Joined: 19 October 2004
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 554

Posted: 23 March 2007 at 5:09pm \| IP Logged

As you know, Glasgow will be applying to host the Commonwealth Games in 2014. What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2014 to boost Glasgow's bid. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:

OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of Ferguslie Park, in the traditional dress of balaclava and a Burberry shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Commonwealth Games, Scotland's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police Dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, Walls etc)
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.
FENCING
This event shall be sponsored by Cash Converters who shall also provide the hardware. The contest itself shall be based outside kebab shops in Baillieston, Riddrie, Drumchapel, and Easterhouse....the winner shall be the one who can leave A & E first.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages delivery man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgow University bike shed and takes an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding, underage drinking and arson.
SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "Belle & Sebastian".
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.
MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow, especially anyone that appears to be mincing...
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Govan Health in the Community, anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Dennistoun community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by confused old firm fans. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

Kevyn
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Joined: 12 November 2005
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 205

Posted: 23 March 2007 at 6:12pm \| IP Logged

How come the modern pentathlon has six events, Pushbike?

rapid thomas
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Joined: 08 April 2005
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Posts: 59

Posted: 23 March 2007 at 6:13pm \| IP Logged

Time flies like an arrow but fruit flies like a banana.

Timestar
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Joined: 14 July 2004
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 820

Posted: 26 July 2007 at 10:07am \| IP Logged

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted"

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.".........

(Scroll Down.)

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".

mike_1stgear
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Joined: 19 October 2004
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 554

Posted: 28 July 2007 at 2:05pm \| IP Logged

that's it get your coat and leave NOW

kevin
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Joined: 06 July 2004
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 309

Posted: 05 August 2007 at 11:07pm \| IP Logged

I've just been offered eight legs of venison for Ł100 do you think its too deer. ???

__________________
The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life, and he who wins souls is wise.
Proverbs 11:30

Kevyn
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Joined: 12 November 2005
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 205

Posted: 06 August 2007 at 10:49am \| IP Logged

Why is it expensive to watch Origami on Sky TV?

......wait for it (not that it's worth it!)...

Because it's paperview.

mike_1stgear
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Joined: 19 October 2004
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 554

Posted: 21 December 2007 at 11:06am \| IP Logged

Bloke walks into Boots and says

'Can i have a box of Viagra please'.

'Have you a prescription ?'

'No, but I've got a photo of the wife'.

Noel
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Joined: 13 January 2005
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 586

Posted: 21 December 2007 at 11:12am \| IP Logged

Michael! Get Dixarns coat!!!!

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http://www.myspace.com/noelstuff

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