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kevin
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Posted: 10 January 2008 at 7:08pm | IP Logged Quote kevin

Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it      
 just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?                                    
 Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?                
  Customer: Yeah....        &nbs p;         &nbs p;         &nbs p;         &nbs p;         &nbs p;      
  Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?                    
  Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD      
 player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....        & nbsp;         & nbsp;      
 Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!        ;           ;           ;           ;     
                                                                              
===============       &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;       
                                                                              
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?         & nbsp;         & nbsp;  
Female customer: A white one...                                          
                                                                              
===============       &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;       
                                                                              
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.         &n bsp;  
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?          ;           ;   
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.                                  
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.         & nbsp;    
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's    
 still on my desk... sorry....        &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;        
                                                                 
  ===============       &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;       
                                                                              
 Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the     
 screen.                                                                           
 Customer: Your left or my left?         & nbsp;         & nbsp;         & nbsp;         
                                                                               
  ===============       &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;       
                                                                               
  Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?         &n bsp;         &n bsp;       
  Male customer: Hello... I can't print.                                   
 Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...                 
  Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not   
 Bill Gates, damn it!         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;     
                                                                               
  ===============       &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;       
                                                                               
 Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Everytime I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... 
===============       &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;       
                                                                           
Customer: I have problems printing in red...                            
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?        &nbs p;         &nbs p;        
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.         &n bsp;         &n bsp;     
                                                   
===============       &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;       
                                                                              
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?                        
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket. 
                                                                              
===============       &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;       
                                                                              
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.        &nbs p;         &nbs p;      
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?        &nb sp;   
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.        &nb sp;         &nb sp;     
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.         & nbsp; 
Customer: OK                                                                
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?         &n bsp;         &n bsp;     
Customer: Yes                                                               
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?                                                           
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work      
                                                            
===============       &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;       
                                                                            
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.         &nbs p;         &nbs p;         &nbs p;    
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?        &nbs p;         &nbs p;         &nbs p;  
                                                                              
===============       &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;       
                                                                              
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.        &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;   
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?        &nb sp;      
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.         &nb sp;         &nb sp;
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?         &n bsp;        
Customer: Five stars.                                                       
                                                                              
===============       &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;       
                                                                              
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?         &n bsp;         &n bsp; 
Customer: Netscape.                                                         
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.        &nbs p;         &nbs p;    
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.        &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp; 
                                                                              
===============       &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;       
                                                                              
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver  
on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.        & nbsp;
                                                                                  
  ===============       &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;             
                                                                              
 Tech support: How may I help you?         &n bsp;         &n bsp;                  
 Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.          ;           ;           ;   
 Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?        &nbs p;         &nbs p;
 Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?                                                       
 
  ===============       &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;       
                                                                               
 A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.                                                                     
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?        &nbs p;         &nbs p;    
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.                                                                            
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."                                                           

===============       &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;         &nb sp;       
And last but not least:....        &n bsp;         &n bsp;         &n bsp;         &n bsp;    
                                                                              
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.   
Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."        &nb sp;         &nb sp;   
Customer: I don't have a P.         &nbs p;         &nbs p;         &nbs p;         &nbs p;   
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.         &n bsp;         &n bsp;         &n bsp;    
Customer: What do you mean?         & nbsp;         & nbsp;         & nbsp;         & nbsp;   
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.         &n bsp;         &n bsp;      
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!                                    


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mike_1stgear
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Posted: 18 January 2008 at 8:51am | IP Logged Quote mike_1stgear



 

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to
approach the bed;

 

"Lissin a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated 38-caliber
revolver so you will always remember me."

 

The grandson smiles weakly and replies; "But grandpa, I really doan a
lika guns. Howzabout you leava me you ROLEX watch instead?"

 

Gasping for air the old man answers with a snarl in his voice; "Shuddup
an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a
beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybea a couple of bambinos."

 

After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues; "Somma day you
gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man.
Whadda you gonna do then ... pointa to you watch and say "Times up"?"






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kevin
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Posted: 22 January 2008 at 7:56pm | IP Logged Quote kevin

Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to
the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?"
"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was
Italian?" demanded the Irishman indignantly. "Or, if I asked for German
Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?" Then, warming to his theme,
he went on: "Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I
was Jewish?" "Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was
Mexican? Would Ya? Would Ya?"
The assistant said: "Well, no."
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a
gear. "And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was
French?" "What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"
"Well no, I probably wouldn't" conceded the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: "Well, all
right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish
sausages?"
The assistant replied: "Because you're in Homebase"









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The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life, and he who wins souls is wise.
Proverbs 11:30
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mike_1stgear
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Posted: 23 January 2008 at 12:49pm | IP Logged Quote mike_1stgear





A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,"Hey, I haven't  see you
in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine
now."

"Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off.  I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over.  I looked up
and one of them crapped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from
that."

"It was my first day with the hook "






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Halligan
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Posted: 06 February 2008 at 10:12am | IP Logged Quote Halligan

An Australian soldier meets up with the allied forces on the front line and makes his way to the Captain
"Ah," says the captain, "Have you come to die?"

"No mate!" says the ozzy "I came yesterdie."


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Go bye the latest CD 'Best Thing Thats Happened'
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dominion
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Posted: 24 April 2008 at 2:27pm | IP Logged Quote dominion

I'm sorry to have to report that a good ATF friend of many years Mr.j.a. Riise from Merseyside was unfortunately arrested on Tuesday whilst driving home from work up th M62........He was heading the wrong way!!!

A certain P.C. twydell from Beds. is trying to get him off the charges.

Come on you blues.

Mark



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mike_1stgear
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Posted: 24 April 2008 at 3:17pm | IP Logged Quote mike_1stgear

i also hear that a Mr Drogba was seen to throw himself on the floor in pain when the peelers turned up
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Kevyn
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Posted: 25 April 2008 at 2:44pm | IP Logged Quote Kevyn

 

PC Twydell?

Has the Divisional Commander been demoted?

I think we should all camaign for his reinstatement. 

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kevin
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Posted: 16 September 2008 at 6:45pm | IP Logged Quote kevin

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind,
can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round
this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm
a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more,
but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and
proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the
barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be
just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches,
reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr.
Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'


'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 




'What would they want with a plasterer??!'.



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The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life, and he who wins souls is wise.
Proverbs 11:30
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mike_1stgear
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Posted: 16 September 2008 at 7:54pm | IP Logged Quote mike_1stgear



did i not start the tread with this joke
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