Posted: 02 February 2009 at 4:23pm | IP Logged

This is not strictly more cause for concern, however below is the content of an e-mail i received

Do you ever worry about the (our?) NHS at all ?
 You should - These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in
 the NHS Greater Glasgow.

 1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

 2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

 3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

 4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot  in bed last night.

 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year..

 6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

 9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but
 forgetful.

 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

 12. She is numb from her toes down.

 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

 14. The skin was moist and dry.

 15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

 16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

 17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

 18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until
 she got a divorce.

 19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical
 therapy.

 20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

 21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

 22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

 23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

 24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

 25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

 26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

 27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

 28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

 29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

 30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

 31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit
 on the abdomen and I agree.

 32. The  patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
 stock broker instead.

 33. By the  time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
 feeling better.

 Advice!!!! Stay away from hospitals!

Posted: 06 February 2009 at 4:21pm | IP Logged

Do I detect a bit of football rivalry here? When he wears the red or white of England it is strange how he is viewed differently!

V day coming soon when the mighty Terriers play the residents of the big skip just off the M621. Up the Town!

Posted: 07 February 2009 at 9:40am | IP Logged

More pratical advice

How to Give a Cat a Pill…         & nbsp;         & nbsp;     
                                                                                  
                                                                                  
 1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
 baby.        & nbsp;         & nbsp;         & nbsp;         & nbsp;         & nbsp;         & nbsp;         & nbsp;
 Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and     
 gently                                                                          
 Apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.         & nbsp;      
 As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.                                     
 Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 

  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.         & nbsp;         & nbsp;
 Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.  

               
 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.  

 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws
 Tightly with left hand.         & nbsp;                                             
 Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.     
 Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 

   5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.      
 Call spouse from garden. 

 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and    
 Rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat.                                  
 Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler   
 Into mouth.                                                                     
 Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 

                                                                                  
  7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.     
 Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.                             
 Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one  
 side                                                                                
 For gluing later. 

 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse  to lie on cat with head just   
 visible                                                                           
 From below armpit.                                                                
 Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow  
 down                                                                                
 Drinking straw. 

  9.  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1  beer to
 take                                                                                
 Taste away.                                                                       
 Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold 
 Water and soap.                                                                   
                                                                                  
 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.                                        
 Get another pill.                                                                 
 Open another beer.                                                                
 Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.   
 Force mouth open with dessert spoon.                                          
 Flick pill down throat with elastic band.                                     
                                                                                  
 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.   
 Drink beer.                                                                       
 Fetch bottle of scotch.                                                         
 Pour a  shot and drink.                                                         
 Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus   
 shot.                                                                             
 Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.                                 
 Toss back another shot.                                                         
 Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 

  12.  Call fire department to retrieve the dang cat from across the road. 
 Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. 
 Take last pill from foil wrap.                                                  
                                                                                  
 13. Tie the little ingrate's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
 Bind tightly to leg of dining table.                                          
 Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.                                     
 Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.                
 Be rough about it.                                                                
 Hold  head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill  
 down.

   14.  Consume remainder of scotch.                                           
 Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor   
 Stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.    
 Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.                         
                                                                                  
 15.  Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet  
 shop                                                                                
 To see if they have any hamsters.  

                         
 How To Give A Dog A Pill                                                        
                                                                                  
 1.  Wrap it in bacon.                                                           
                                                                                  
 2. Toss it in the  air.

Posted: 19 February 2010 at 11:12pm | IP Logged

I was talking to a friend of mine earlier today and he told me that his wife had died in a "washing machine related accident". He was obviously gutted but he said "at least she died in comfort"!!!!

Sorry about that one

Posted: 19 February 2010 at 11:37pm | IP Logged

Hearing

At the Saturday night tent revival the preacher announces,
"Anyone with ‘needs’ to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar.”

LeRoy gets in line, and when it’s his turn, the preacher asks: 
"LeRoy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

LeRoy replies, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”

The preacher puts one finger in LeRoy’s ear, and he places the other hand on top of LeRoy’s head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for LeRoy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, “LeRoy, how is your hearing now?” LeRoy says, “I don’t know, Reverend, it ain’t ‘till next Wednesday."


ba-dum-bum