Posted: 08 March 2010 at 7:42pm | IP Logged

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode..
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing..
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Posted: 09 June 2010 at 7:56pm | IP Logged

As alludes to elsewhere to keep this thread going here are a few dictionary definitions

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
Never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

KLEENEX:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.

Posted: 09 June 2010 at 8:28pm | IP Logged

As I remember, Curl up and Dye was / is a hairdressers in Hull (oh, there we go again!) - and probably hundreds of other places too....

Posted: 10 June 2010 at 12:39pm | IP Logged

Alternative for committee: An animal with six or more legs and no brain.

I believe it was Mark Twain who came up with that one.

Posted: 10 June 2010 at 7:53pm | IP Logged

I have heard it said the the definition of a camel is a horse designed by a committee.

Posted: 31 January 2011 at 8:29pm | IP Logged

telephoned the Ramblers Club... but the operator just went on and on.

Posted: 30 March 2011 at 12:03pm | IP Logged

For the benefit of those of you who are not amongst my Facebook friends (and if not, why not?):

I read yesterday that the man who invented super glue has died aged 94. I hope I stick around that long.