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Kevyn
Roadie
Joined: 12 November 2005
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 205
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| Posted: 08 September 2006 at 1:42pm | IP Logged
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Hey guys, I am really sorry. I was just trying to lighten things up on a Thursday afternoon. I tried to pass on something that I thought was appropriate for the level of sophistication of the typical ATF fan.
Take this joke for instance:
'A female elephant goes into a pub and see this good looking male rhinocerous. The elephant catches the eye of the rhino and he comes over to chat her up. They get on well and agree to swap 'phone numbers and go on a date. As the rhino is about to leave, the elephant says, "My name's Betty, what's yours?" "Neal" The rhino replies and leaves.
As soon as he is gone, the elephant starts texting her mates saying, "Hey everybody, I've just got a date with Rhino Neal!"'
I would never dream of posting a joke like that on this Forum.
________________________________
Give or take two minutes
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Timestar
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Joined: 14 July 2004
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 820
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| Posted: 08 September 2006 at 4:40pm | IP Logged
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Noobs are like puppies on a tile floor...eager to run, full of energy..and totally out of control 
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Timestar
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Joined: 14 July 2004
Location: United Kingdom
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| Posted: 08 September 2006 at 4:45pm | IP Logged
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A woman walks into a bar. It's pretty out of the way, and on the fifth
floor so it's all but empty except for one fellow at the bar. "What are
you drinking?" asks the woman, the man replies "This magic beer, it's
great. If you drink a pint of it you can fly like a bird". Thinking the
man's a complete drunk she laughs and asks him to prove it, so the man
jumps out the window, flies around the building, back in the window and
sits down. "There", he says.
Thinking she was seeing things, the woman asks the man to do it again
to make sure she wasn't dreaming - so out the window he goes, flies
around the building and comes back in the window. "There", he says
again.
"That's amazing, bartender - I'll have one of what he's having!" the
woman cries. So she downs her pint, says "Watch this!" and promptly
dives out the window. On hearing the bone crunching splat a few seconds
later the bartender turns to the man and says "You're a real clever dick when
you're drunk, Superman"
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mike_1stgear
Friend of ATF
Joined: 19 October 2004
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 554
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| Posted: 08 September 2006 at 4:50pm | IP Logged
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i should think not we do have standards to keep up
not like these
Why do men pass gas more than women do?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure
An old lady stops me in the street and says, " Can you see across the road"
I reply " Hang on love, I'll go and have a look"
A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.
Two
days into their trip, the mother-in-law dies. The couple go to a local
funeral director, who explains their options. He tells them that they
can ship her body home, but it would cost them over $5000, whereas they
can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.
The guy immediately answers, "We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial and funeral service here."
The
guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days
later he rose from the dead. I just can't take any chances."
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mike_1stgear
Friend of ATF
Joined: 19 October 2004
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 554
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| Posted: 08 September 2006 at 4:56pm | IP Logged
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or this
A little old lady goes to her doctor and explains, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much.
She
goes on to say, they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of
fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office
and you didn’t even notice that I did because they don't smell and are
silent."
"I see” says the doctor, “Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The
next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what
you gave me, but now my farts -- although still silent -- stink
terribly."
The doctor says, "Excellent, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing...."
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rapid thomas
Groupie
Joined: 08 April 2005
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Posts: 59
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| Posted: 10 September 2006 at 7:57pm | IP Logged
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Despite their troubled history, there are some great jokes told by Jewish
people against themselves:
A Jewish widow phones in to The Jewish Chronicle to place the
announcement of her husband's death.
"The minimum we do is ten words which will cost £20" says the paper.
"OK" she says, "I want to make it short anyway."
"Write 'Jacob died Tuesday. Will be missed."
"You have three words left" says the person on the paper. "You may as
well get your money's worth."
The woman thinks: "OK, can you add 'Volvo for Sale"
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admin
Admin Group
Joined: 01 October 2003
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 577
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| Posted: 18 September 2006 at 4:18pm | IP Logged
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THIS IS TRUE!!!
Arms manufacturing monolith BAE Systems has decided to improve its
whale-hugging credentials by developing a range of next-generation,
environmentally-friendly weapons designed to be friendlier to Mother
Earth.
Included in the list of tree-hugging hardware is the "lead-free"
bullet, offering clear advantages over the traditional variety which
"can harm the environment and pose a risk to people".
You could not make it up.
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rapid thomas
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| Posted: 19 September 2006 at 12:24am | IP Logged
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An American tourist on holiday in Jerusalem is waiting to rendezvous with
other members of her group when she notices that her watch has
stopped. Anxious not to miss her friends, she runs up and down the
street looking for a watch repairer. She comes across a shop window in
which she can just make out, under layers of dust, some clocks and
watches, so in she goes. From behind a curtain comes an old man, beard
down to his chest, round glasses perched on the end of his nose.
"Sir" she says, "I'm meeting my friends and I need you to fix my watch
which has stopped."
"Ah ! My Dear" says the old man, "But I'm afraid you have come to the
wrong place to have fixed your watch. You need a watch repairer. I am
not one of those people."
"So what is it you do?" asks the woman, somewhat curiously.
"Madam, if you will excuse me, I provide the service of circumcision to the
Gentiles who wish it should be done to them."
Taken aback, the woman asks "So why is your shop window filled with
clocks and watches?"
The man looks at her. "And what should I be putting in my window?"
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Timestar
Mega Friend
Joined: 14 July 2004
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 820
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| Posted: 26 September 2006 at 2:38pm | IP Logged
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REST OF THE WORLD
VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer
long,
building and improving his house and laying up supplies for
the
winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and
plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well
fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in
the cold.
THE
END
------------------------------------------------------------ -----------------------
THE
BRITISH VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer
long,
Building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The
grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer
away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker
finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press
conference and demands to know
why the squirrel should be allowed to
be warm and well fed while others less
fortunate, like the
grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to
provide live
coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of
the
squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with
food.
The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in
a
country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer
so
while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal
Rights
and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of
the
squirrel's' house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival
special
from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi
cultural
choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in
an
interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has got rich off
the
backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on
the
squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge
for
squirrels to enter inner London.
In response to pressure from the
media, the Government drafts the
economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti
Discrimination Act, retroactive
to the beginning of the summer. The
squirrel's taxes are reassessed.
He is taken to court and fined for
failing to hire grasshoppers as
builders for the work he was doing on his
home and an additional fine
for contempt when he told the court the
grasshopper did not want to
work.
The grasshopper is provided with a
council house, financial aid to
furnish it and an account with a local taxi
firm to ensure he can be
socially mobile.
The squirrels food is seized
and re distributed to the more needy
members of society, in this case the
grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and
his newly
imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and
start
building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home
and
utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who
had
hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their
country
of origin with mice. On arrival they have tried to blow up
the
airport because of Britain's apparent love of
dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of
hijacking
and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the
police
fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial
moves
to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it
was
feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start
a
scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.
A Panorama special
shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the
squirrels' food, though
Spring is still months away, while the
council house he is in, crumbles
around him because he hasn't bothered
to maintain the house. He is shown to
be taking drugs.
Inadequate government funding is blamed for the
grasshoppers drug
'illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the British
courts for their treatment since
arrival in UK.
The
grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a
burglary to get
money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but
released immediately because
he has been in custody for a few weeks.
He is placed in the care of the
probation service to monitor and
supervise him. Within a few weeks he has
killed a guinea pig in a
botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry,
that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and
state the obvious, is set
up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme
for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers
is
increased.
The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government
for enriching
Britain's multicultural diversity and
dogs are criticised by the
Government for failing to befriend the
cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of
the
press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address
the
root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his
traumatic
experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a
minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights
were
infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice
in
the United
Kingdom.
The squirrel, the dogs and the
victims of the hijacking, the bombing,
the burglaries and robberies have to
pay an additional percentage on
their credit cards to cover losses; their
taxes are increased to pay
for law and order and they are told that they will
have to work beyond
65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE
END
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mike_1stgear
Friend of ATF
Joined: 19 October 2004
Location: United Kingdom
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| Posted: 29 September 2006 at 10:10am | IP Logged
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A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replies. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine"
A man comes home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey pack your bags, I won the lottery"!!!!!
"Wow! That's great! I'm so happy!! "Should I pack for the ocean, a safari, or for the mountains?, asks the wife
"I don't care", he says, "Just get out."
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After The Fire Forums : Chat
Topic: Joke time (again)
