Posted: 15 October 2011 at 4:15pm | IP Logged

A (not very) funny(ish) thing happened on the way to the Forum

‘Greetings Cassius , why are you so leaden-footed? Are your feet made of clay?’

‘Hail Brutus.  Ah, yes there is a reason,  the Senate of Rome in her infinite capriciousness has ordered me to Britain.’

‘Britain! What has got the Senate’s togas in a twist? Cassius, please sit here and my slave will bring choice wine. Where you’re going, the only thing to drink will…’

‘Yes, their foul flavoured, mashed hops, drunk by the pitcher full. Couldn’t appreciate the subtle tastes of a Tuscany 49, even if they bathed their coarse Celtic bodies in it.’

‘The accursed island, you have my deepest commiserations Tribune. I will sacrifice to the gods for you. Apart from the mashed hops, what is there? Really, what have the Britons ever done for us?’

‘Another uprising, that’s what. One in which I will have to show the standard of the eagle and the immortal might of Rome. Brutus, I need to know the will of the gods and that I will succeed and return with their leaders wrapped in chains, so I can feed them to the mob.’

Brutus waved to his slave, to bring his dagger and a chicken. He disembowelled  it.

‘What do the entrails say?’

‘You will march to the North West of that land, it will, as always, be shrouded in bone-aching  damp and mist you can cut with a scythe. They will meet at the Forum.  Yet again, organising a voluntary tax to help the poorest of the poor, the Dalit people.’

‘Tax! Render unto Caesar, not render to those in need.’

‘The native rebels will gather there. I see two distinct groups, there is a cacophony of noise, wild cheering, Perhaps, that is the sign of your success. Now slave, come clear this mess away, it has right put me off my chicken tikka tonight.’

Brutus washed his hands and continued.

‘Now tell me, what do you know of the uprising?’

‘Well Brutus, they are inspired by the King of the Jews, the fisher of men.’

‘Ah so it’s a bit more amo, amas, amat  rather than bellum,bellum, bellum. Cassius, so the memory of the love preacher has travelled so far. It will soon disappear, only the gods of Rome, Sophia Loren, Gina Lollobrigia and Anita Ekberg will endure. Remember childish inspiration fades, fortunately he faced the justly-deserved death of criminals and rebels. So my friend, it looks like you’re merely stamping out the last of the embers. Me,if I got my hands on them  I’d use them as entertainment in the arenas. Bread and circuses for the mob. ’

‘Strange you say that, we hear that two of them have already survived the tribulations and trials of the arenas, with Van Halen and their Queen.’

‘You mean Boudicca and the Visigoths?’ queried Brutus.

‘No, Freddie and David Lee Roth.’

‘Tell me, do we know the names of the Celtic followers of the Way?’

‘Well we’ve got a bit of a north and south thing going on here. The leader from the south, Banksy, seems to be here, there and everywhere.  Maybe there are two of them, the Celts think so. Some say he daubs his markings and signs across many walls and buildings. However, my friend, the garrison at Colchester let him slip through their hands. They surrounded him and some followers at the Café Musica. The centurion in charge said that if Banksy identified himself, then the others would not be summarily executed. So what happens? One stands up saying ,I Banksy, then they all start standing up saying I Banksy! Pandemonium ensued and escape was made.’

‘ Café Musica, I hope they do a mean latte. But honestly, you just can’t get the centurion’s these days.’

‘He will be with his battle-scarred comrade Russell, acclaimed for his mighty swinging axe. The wild gang also has young hothead Halligan of the latin temper, Niblo Niblas Niblat and Saint Timothy, patron saint of titanic tub thumping.’

‘And the north?’

‘They believe their leader will fly in from the west on a great winged  bird, made of shining metal.’

‘No sham?’

‘True! His is known as the mason.’

‘A worker in stone?’

‘No, rock.’

‘And he is joined at the hip with the leading light of the money gathering, who seek to avoid our tax collectors, Si string-bender Hawthorne.’

‘Sounds a most prickly character.’

‘Their solid phalanx of sound also includes others who are out on the streets, the Biggest Beak of Beeston and Rattling Rawhide Rawlings. So there you have it, and if all goes well, I and my legion will be there to stop them receiving their laurels from the crowd of cheering plebs. Et tu Brute?’

’You’re joking Cassius, they’ve got as much chance as pulling this off as someone marching a troop of elephants through the Alps and on into Rome.’