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mike_1stgear
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Joined: 19 October 2004
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 554
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| Posted: 09 February 2006 at 10:35am | IP Logged
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A duck walks into a bike shop and asks the owner "Have you got any beer?"
"Sorry," says the owner, "it's a bike shop, we've only sell bicycles"
"OK," says the duck and leaves.
Five minutes later the duck walks back in and asks the owner "Have you got any beer?"
"Er..., no" says the owner, "as I said, it's a bike shop and we only sell bicycles"
"Right-o" says the duck and leaves.
After another five minutes the duck walks back in and asks the owner "Have you got any beer?"
"Look" snarls the owner, "This is a bike shop. We only sell bicycles.
Ask one more time and I'll nail your webbed feet to the door!"
"I was only asking" says the duck and leaves.
Another five minutes pass and the duck walks back in and asks the owner "Have you got any nails?"
"No," replies the owner.
"Right then, have you got any beer?"
<ducks>
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Timestar
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Joined: 14 July 2004
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 820
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| Posted: 10 February 2006 at 4:14pm | IP Logged
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Wait for it - oh no not Football again
The offside rule explained for girls
You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.
The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses.
It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting. Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.
She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.
At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.
Always remembering that until the purse has *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.
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mike_1stgear
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Joined: 19 October 2004
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 554
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| Posted: 10 February 2006 at 5:36pm | IP Logged
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ok now it makes sense
but what is this football you all talk about ?
is it as good to watch as paint drying ? 
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Timestar
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Joined: 14 July 2004
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 820
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| Posted: 11 February 2006 at 9:07am | IP Logged
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"I've really had it with my dog: he'll chase anyone on a bicycle."
"So what are you going to do - leave him at the dog's home? Give him away? Sell him?"
"No, nothing that drastic. I think I'll just confiscate his bike."
A piece of motorway and piece of dual carriage way are enjoying a drink in the pub.
In walks a piece of red tarmac. The bit of motorway whispers to the bit of carrageway "Come on lets drink up and go before the trouble starts; He's a bit of a cyclepath!"
Edited by Timestar - 11 February 2006 at 9:08am
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mike_1stgear
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Joined: 19 October 2004
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 554
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| Posted: 11 February 2006 at 9:31pm | IP Logged
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Duck walks into a pub and asks for a pint of beer
Wow says the bar man a talking duck you don’t see many
talking ducks
No says the duck I don’t suppose you do, drinks his beer and
leave’s
The next day in walks the duck and asks for a pint of beer,
this time he drinks it with the bar man while they chat.
This goes on for a few days until on the seventh day the
duck walks in and asks for
A pint of beer and sits down with the bar man to drink it
The barman says have you seen the circus over the road?
Yes say the duck I have.
Why don’t you go over and ask if they have any jobs says the
bar man I am sure they can find work for you
What at the circus? says the duck
Yes says the bar man
What that big tent over on the park says the duck
Yes says the bar man
The big tent with the cloth sides says the duck looking puzzled
YES says the bar man!!
why would they want with a plasterer? Says the duck 
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kevin
Friend of ATF
Joined: 06 July 2004
Location: United Kingdom
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 309
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| Posted: 12 February 2006 at 5:09pm | IP Logged
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Timestar wrote:
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Wait for it - oh no not Football again
The offside rule explained for girls
You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.
The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses.
It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting. Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.
She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.
At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.
Always remembering that until the purse has *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.
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So can somebody now explain the lbw rule in a similar manner
__________________
The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life, and he who wins souls is wise.
Proverbs 11:30
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Timestar
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Joined: 14 July 2004
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 820
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| Posted: 03 March 2006 at 2:48pm | IP Logged
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This is a Good Laugh - download and enjoy!
NHS Announcement
Edited by Timestar - 03 March 2006 at 2:49pm
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Timestar
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Joined: 14 July 2004
Location: United Kingdom
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 820
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| Posted: 03 March 2006 at 2:54pm | IP Logged
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"Football"
A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final.
As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.
“No,” he says. “The seat is empty.”
“This is incredible!” says the other man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?”
“Well, actually the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.”
“Oh…..I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?”
The man shakes his head. “No. They’re all at the funeral.
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Vulpine
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Joined: 09 July 2004
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 54
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| Posted: 03 March 2006 at 3:42pm | IP Logged
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A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!"
__________________
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Vulpine
Friend of ATF
Joined: 09 July 2004
Location: United Kingdom
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Posts: 54
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| Posted: 03 March 2006 at 3:45pm | IP Logged
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A penguin walks into a pub in tears. "What's the matter?" the landlord asks.
"I can't find my Dad" The penguin says
"OK. Well, what does he look like?"
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Remember to say please and thank you. That way, you'll get more..
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After The Fire Forums : Chat
Topic: Joke time (again)
