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rapid thomas
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Posted: 12 April 2006 at 8:49pm | IP Logged Quote rapid thomas

As a result of taking off too many days from work, when he needed to his
chap found out that his boss wouldn't give permission for any more. He
thought that if he acted kind of strange and crazy, he'd be told to go
home.
So he fashioned some rope into a knot and a noose and threw it over a
beam in the factory, tied himself into the noose, and manoeuvered
himself towards the ceiling. Taking a firm grip of the dangling rope, he
hung upside-down, and swung back and forth whilst humming.
This caught the attention of his boss who demanded to know what he was
doing.
"Today, I am mostly being a lightbulb" he said.
The boss looked up at him pitifully. "You're losing it mate" he said, "come
down right now and I'll sign you off for a couple of days".
Pleased to have got one over on the boss, the man dis-entangled himself,
got changed, and started to walk to the door. As did three of his work-
mates.
"Just a minute" said the boss, "where are you three going?"
"Home, of course" they said, "You don't expect us to work in the dark, do
you?"
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Timestar
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Posted: 28 April 2006 at 1:18pm | IP Logged Quote Timestar

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

 

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julian
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Posted: 22 May 2006 at 12:46pm | IP Logged Quote julian

A white horse walks into a bar.

The landlord says to him: "there's a drink named after you."

"What, Alex?"

(this joke on loan British Museum library, MS24598475678839f/gh)

jules

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Noel
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Posted: 26 May 2006 at 9:30am | IP Logged Quote Noel

Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this is for £1 million, and remember, you
still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.

"Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set?

"Is it. (a) a badger, (b) a ferret; (c) a mole or (d) a cuckoo?"

Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure.
I'll have to go 50-50."

"Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left
with.

'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."

Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says,

"No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.

"Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham.

"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'.

I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win £1
million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's."

"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in
a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, boss," says Becks without hesitation.

"You sure, son?" says Sven.

"Definitely, boss. One hundred per cent. It's a badger. Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger."

"Final answer, Sven?"

"Final answer, Chris."

"That's the correct answer. You've won £1 million!"

Cue wild celebrations.

Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across.

"Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble
giving you a call, but you played a blinder!
But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a set?"

"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham,

... But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"


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mike_1stgear
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Posted: 02 June 2006 at 12:00pm | IP Logged Quote mike_1stgear

A bear walked into a bar, slapped a £50.00 bill on the bar and ordered a beer. The bartender looked at the £50 bill, then at the bear and said; "I'll be back in a minute." He went to his manager and stated what had just occurred. The manager told him to go back to the bar, give the bear a beer, 50p change and strike up a conversation.
The bartender drew a beer, placed it on the bar, took the £50 bill, tossed 50p on the bar and said; "You know we don't get many bears in here". The bear looked at the 50p, then at the beer, then said to the bartender; "£49.50 for a beer I can see why!"


sorry


now were did i put that coat



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mike_1stgear
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Posted: 02 June 2006 at 12:04pm | IP Logged Quote mike_1stgear

A horse walks into a bar.

The landlord says to him: "why the long face




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rapid thomas
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Posted: 02 June 2006 at 12:37pm | IP Logged Quote rapid thomas

Skier on the top of the slalom course - looks like he's warming up,
dodging left then right, then pausing to dodge right then left. After five
minutes or so, the guy behind begins to get impatient.
"I'm really sorry" says the skier, "I'm slightly dyslexic and I can't remember
whether I begin by going zig to the left zag to the right, or whether I
begin by going zag to the right then zig to the left."
"Well I don't know" says the impatient one, "That guy over there in the
bobble hat looks like a pro, maybe he could help."
The skier beckons him over and explains his predicament.
"I'm really sorry" says the bobble-hatted man, "I know nothing about
downhill and slalom, I'm a professional tobogganist."
"Never mind" says the skier, "But since you're here could I have twenty
Bensons and a box of matches?"

Edited by rapid thomas - 02 June 2006 at 2:25pm
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Timestar
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Posted: 13 June 2006 at 4:12pm | IP Logged Quote Timestar

REAL NEWSPAPER  ADS
       
                   FREE  YORKSHIRE  TERRIER.
                  8 years  old.  Hateful little  dog.  Bites.
         
                   FREE PUPPIES:
                  1/2 Cocker  Spaniel, 1/2  sneaky neighbor's dog.
         
                   FREE PUPPIES...
                  Mother, AKC  German Shepherd.
                  Father, Super  Dog...able to leap tall  fences in a  single
                      bound.
         
                   FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
                  Looks like  a  rat ... been out a while.
                  Better be a  reward.
         
                   COWS, CALVES:  NEVER BRED.
                  Also 1 gay bull  for sale.
          
                  NORDIC TRACK
                  $300  Hardly  used, call Chubby.
         
                   GEORGIA PEACHES
                  California  grown  - 89 cents lb.
         
                   JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
                  Must sell washer  and dryer £300.
         
                   WEDDING DRESS  FOR  SALE.
                  WORN  ONCE  BY MISTAKE.
                  Call  Stephanie.
         
                   FOR SALE BY OWNER:
                  Complete set of  Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
                  Excellent  condition.
                    £1,000 or best  offer.
                  No longer  needed, got married last month.
                  Wife knows  everything. 
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getlostdave
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Posted: 14 June 2006 at 10:41am | IP Logged Quote getlostdave

Worlds funniest gag?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/5064020.stm


A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.

He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line.

He says: "OK, now what?"



Edited by getlostdave - 14 June 2006 at 10:43am
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davef2
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Posted: 15 June 2006 at 10:19pm | IP Logged Quote davef2

I thought the second place one was better.....

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.  Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wait for it........................

 

 

 

"Watson, you idiot!" he says.  "Someone has stolen our tent!"

 

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